Aug 29 2013
COLLECTING VHS: THE LORDS OF MAGICK (1989)
Title: The Lords of Magick
Genre: Low budget sword & sorcery
Tagline: Two wizards from the past on a quest into the future.
Released by: Prism Entertainment
Director: David Marsh
Plot: A daring duo of wizard brothers from the 10th century embark on a heroic quest across time to rescue a kidnapped damsel from the clutches of the evil sorcerer Salatin before he conquers the known universe!
Thoughts: When it comes to horrendously acted, amateurishly directed, foolishly written, shot-on-video fantasy flicks from the analog era of the late eighties/early nineties, nothing can compare to the mental atrocity that is The Lords of Magick (misspelled for some reason the filmmakers never bother to explain). The film centers on two idiotic siblings with magical powers named Michael and Ulric Redglen (Jarrett Parker and Mark Gauthier respectively) who are abducted from the local brothel and forced to go on an adventure to return the lovely Princess Luna (Ruth Zakarian) back to ye olde England from the far off future of 1989 Los Angeles. You see, the wicked Lord Salatin (Brendan Dillon Jr.) has snatched the fair maiden and travelled through a magical time portal to Hollywood where he plans on ruling the world through an ancient ceremony. Luckily he picked the one city where something like that goes relatively unnoticed. Unlucky for him, the Redglen brothers have teamed up with a local Angeleno eager to help named Tommy (David Snow) and the trio wreak havoc all across L.A. in their quest.
The SOV visual aesthetics on display here lull the viewer into thinking that perhaps they’re watching an old medieval-themed porno at times, and there are many occasions when this could easily have happened if the filmmakers wanted to go that route. But director David Marsh delivers a relatively clean sword & sorcery yarn that’s more Beastmaster 2: Through the Portal of Time than Conan the Barbarian only much, much cheaper and sillier if you can possibly comprehend such a thing. The special effects are on the level of a public access show and the castle sets look like they were borrowed from a high school play about King Arthur, but this all adds to the film’s stupid charm in a unique way.
What’s worth watching about it you ask? Well, for a PG 13 movie there’s a lot of topless wenches due to a plot device that’s introduced in which the kidnapped princess has a birthmark on one of her breasts, so the “heroes” tear off a lot of women’s shirts in order to find her. Which brings up the important fact that both of the brothers in this film, our protagonists if you will, are completely unlikeable chowder heads that are constantly being distracted by thoughts of raping and whoring. They each use a variety of magical spells and tricks to outwit and defeat everything from the local police to a horde of biker-zombies and a group of concerned citizens whom are outraged when the brothers sexually assault a woman on the street in front of them. If anything you’ve read thus far makes you wish to seek this dumb-bomb out, I suggest you invite a few cohorts along and get drunk on the strongest mead you can find before going on this journey.